


look at the stars, look how they shine for you

by estrella30



Category: One Direction
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Angsty Schmoop, M/M, Schmoop
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-01
Updated: 2012-10-01
Packaged: 2017-11-15 09:44:02
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,193
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/525921
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/estrella30/pseuds/estrella30
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In the end, Liam says what he always says, what he’ll always say to Louis when he’s like this.</p>
<p>“You can, you know,” Liam says quietly. “Be with me, that is.” He feels Louis go tense because Liam’s never had the talk with Louis like he’s had with himself but he somehow thinks Louis knows. They haven’t been together like this for so long Liam half-expects Louis to question him and the fact that he doesn’t  makes Liam think Louis wants him just as much, even if it’s just for tonight.</p>
            </blockquote>





	look at the stars, look how they shine for you

**Author's Note:**

  * For [harriet_vane](https://archiveofourown.org/users/harriet_vane/gifts).



> this was written for harriet_vane who wanted long liam/louis fic that was really angsty and then reeeeeeeally schmoopy with bonus sex so that's what she got. she also mentioned things about a ski trip and having to huddle for warmth so...she got that too. I should probably not have watched an interview of liam being sad while I finished this, because it reaches levels of schmoop possibly not ever known before to man. I just. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.
> 
> HUGE thanks to mediaville for the amazing multiple betas on this and for helping me figure out what wasnt working and THEN helping me to fix it. also thanks to crucios for the wonderful britpick! any remaining mistakes are my own. 
> 
> also, warning for slight liam/other guy and offscreen louis/other guy if that's something you need to know. the main pairing though is always liam/louis.

Liam wakes to the sound of the kettle whistling and the smell of burning toast. He stretches and pulls on a t-shirt and a pair of jogging bottoms and makes his way into the kitchen where Louis is stood at the counter stirring a cup of tea and poking at a blackened piece of bread with a butter knife. 

“Yum,” Liam says with an exaggerated pat to his stomach. Even after all these years teasing Louis about how badly he cooks is still fun. “Something smells deeee-licious.”

“Piss off,” Louis answers cheerfully, “or I’ll empty your tea into the sink.”

Liam chuckles and rescues his tea, stopping to add sugar and milk and ignore Louis’ rolled eyes as he does it. He leans against the counter and takes in Louis’ fancy grey trousers and dark red shirt with the black and white striped braces. Louis’ got his hair slicked back and over to the side and looks far too put together for not even half seven in the morning. 

“Big day today?”

Louis grins, wide and bright and his eyes are a clear, sharp blue. “I told you the other night about that new bloke down in accounting, yeah?”

Liam nods and busies himself with sipping his tea and pulling a box of cereal down from the cupboards. He tries to remember back to whomever it was Louis was carrying on about in the past few days. It happens so frequently sometimes he loses track. “Dan?” Liam asks, scrunching his face in thought. “Doug?”

“ _David_ ,” Louis chastises. He rolls his eyes fondly and bumps Liam over with his hip. “Sometimes I don’t think you listen to a word I say.”

Liam has half a mind to tell Louis that no, he usually doesn’t learn the names to Louis’ conquests until they hit date three or four because they come and go so quickly, but that’s an old discussion and bound to turn into an argument of sorts and it’s too early in the morning for Liam to deal with quarreling. He just pours his cereal into a bowl and nods noncommittally. “No, I do, Louis, sorry. So, David from accounting?”

Louis smiles and all at once his mood is lifted. “He’s amazing. Smart and funny and the fittest bloke I’ve seen in a good long time. He asked me the other night if I fancied going out for drinks with him tonight after work, which I _do,_ ” Louis adds with an exaggerated leer, “So we’re headed out straight from the office later,” he adds and gives Liam’s nipple a sharp pinch as he passes by.

Liam grunts a little and eats his cereal stood in front of the sink, his cup of tea growing cold on the counter. He listens to Louis as he finishes getting ready; the water running as he cleans his teeth in the loo, his keys rattling as he grabs them off the hook by the door. Liam is still standing there when Louis pokes his head back into the kitchen and gives him a short wave goodbye and a wink. 

“Don’t wait up tonight,” Louis says, and blows him a kiss and he’s gone. 

Liam doesn’t leave the kitchen for a long, long time.

*

Liam’s got a bit of free time because the new book he’s been working on is done and he doesn’t meet with Zayn to discuss the illustrations until tomorrow, so he finds himself aimlessly cleaning the flat and organizing his and Louis’ DVD collection for lack of something better to do. 

Sometimes Liam wonders how his life wound up where it is. He wonders how Louis wound up going from being the roommate he wasn’t exceptionally fond of his first year in uni, to being his best friend and flatmate four years later. He wonders how he graduated with a fancy literature degree but writes and publishes children’s books about a curious snail and his family for a living instead. He wonders how he managed to get introduced to Zayn to be his illustrator years back, and wound up gaining him as another best friend, and he wonders, after all this time, how some things are so different and other things are so very much the same. 

Because while Liam’s life is calm and normal and sane, Louis is still the life of every party. He may wear fancy clothes and drive a fancy car to his high end job every day, but underneath it all he’s still the same Louis who zips himself into hoodies and does the sprinkler to dance music when he’s pissed on lager and booze. He’s still the one to pull the fittest, most horrible blokes Liam has ever met, ever, and Liam is still there every morning with a hug and a cup of tea for him when it doesn’t work out. It just about kills Liam to watch Louis go out all the time, always so hopeful before one of his dates, and then to see him so sad when he comes home. 

Liam looks down at the pile of DVDs on the floor and he honestly can’t remember which belongs to whom. He thinks The Notebook is his but it might not be, because really, Louis is a total romantic sap even if he pretends not to be. In the end Liam just shoves them all back on the shelf the way they were; The Notebook next to Grease next to Die Hard III and realizes it doesn’t really matter anyway. 

*

Louis gets home late that night while Liam is still on the couch flipping through channels on the telly. Liam glances up quickly and can tell from the slump of Louis’s shoulders and the way his mouth tips down at the corners how his date went. He gives Louis a wave and waits until he goes into his bedroom and changes from his fancy work clothes into a worn t-shirt and his oldest pair of jogging bottoms. 

“Want me to make you some tea?” Liam says quietly from the couch, but Louis just shakes his head and grabs a lager from the refrigerator instead. He settles on the couch right next to Liam, their sides pressing together and Liam curls his arm over the top of the couch, patting Louis’s shoulder and playing with the soft hair at the back of his neck. 

They watch a rerun of Friends, Louis leaning back so he’s even heavier against Liam’s side. Liam lets him wallow for a little while - he knows Louis well enough to know that’s what he needs sometime - but then Louis starts shifting restlessly and Liam knows he’s done sulking. 

“You want to tell me what happened?” Liam asks. 

Louis sighs, long and overdramatic. “He’s got a girlfriend,” he finally says, and Liam’s breath catches. 

“Oh, Lou,” he says quietly. 

“It’s fine.” Louis shrugs and his shoulder rubs against Liam’s chest. “I guess he thought it would be fun to go out and see, I don’t know, what it’s like to go out with a bloke, but—“ he stops and Liam just pulls him in and kisses the top of Louis’ head. 

“That’s crap,” Liam says. He can feel anger bubbling hot in his chest because how dare he, this David Liam doesn’t even know? How dare he treat Louis like some kind of test or experiment? “I’m really sorry, Lou,” Liam says softly.

“Eh, doesn’t matter.” Louis manages to turn his head and give Liam a quick smile. “I’d rather come home and be with you anyway.”

Liam’s heart bangs painfully against his ribs because he knows he shouldn’t say anything to that; he _knows_ it. He’s had this talk with himself a million times before, about how Louis needs to deal with his problems his own way and Liam needs to stay out of his life like that. 

But the problem is Liam can feel Louis where he’s lying against him. He can smell his cologne and feel the tickle of Louis’ hair against Liam’s neck and the weight of his back on Liam’s chest. He can feel the way Louis’ muscles tense under Liam’s hand as he rubs Louis’ shoulder and when he tangles their fingers together, his thumb tracing circles over Louis’ skin. 

In the end, Liam says what he always says, what he’ll always say to Louis when he’s like this. 

“You can, you know,” Liam says quietly. “Be with me, that is.” He feels Louis go tense because Liam’s never had the talk with Louis like he’s had with himself but he somehow thinks Louis knows. They haven’t been together like this for so long Liam half-expects Louis to question him and the fact that he doesn’t makes Liam think Louis wants him just as much, even if it’s just for tonight. 

“Yeah?” Louis asks. He turns so he’s facing Liam and Liam wonders how he doesn’t know, how he can’t _see_. 

Liam just smiles though, and cards his fingers through Louis’ hair as he pulls him in and kisses the corner of his mouth. “Yeah, Lou,” he says. “Always,” and Louis stands up and pulls Liam after him into his bedroom.

*

Louis’ room is a disaster like usual, and Liam trips on a pair of trainers and nearly brains himself with a set of braces getting twisted around his ankles before they even make it to the bed. 

“Sorry, sorry,” Louis whispers as he kicks shirts and trousers and dirty socks out of the way, and Liam just smiles and pulls Louis close. He tumbles them onto the bed and curls over Louis, kissing sweetly over his mouth and bracketing his arms on either side of Louis’ head.

Louis reaches up and slides his fingers into the back of Liam’s hair to pull him in closer and Liam whimpers deep in his throat as Louis’ tongue licks over the seam of his lips and into his mouth. He’s kissed Louis a thousand times for a thousand reasons, but this will always kill Liam a little, the way that Louis kisses him in those rare moments when he finally admits to needing Liam and wanting him. It’s slick and hot and a little desperate and Louis clutches Liam’s shoulders, pulls Liam’s body down on top of his and Liam doesn’t need a hint more obvious that that; he undoes the buttons on Louis’ shirt and pulls his own over his head and then they’re both laughing softly against each other’s mouths as they fumble with buttons and zips and pushing down trousers and pants. 

“God, you’re so gorgeous, Lou,” Liam whispers. His kisses Louis’ shoulder, over the smooth skin of his chest, down his belly. 

“You’re crazy,” Louis says, around a huff of breathless laughter, but then he’s not laughing anymore when Liam curls his fingers around Louis’ dick and licks up the side with the tip of his tongue. “Oh,” Louis’ gasps, his fingers finding their way back to Liam’s head. He brushes the hair back from Liam’s forehead and it’s so gentle Liam’s chest hurts. “Oh, Liam.”

Liam slides his mouth over Louis’ length until it’s nudged up against the back of Liam’s throat and he sucks hard, fingers sliding down, trailing over his hip before pressing deep into his skin. Louis almost comes up off the bed, curling up and grabbing onto Liam’s arms and he’s gasping and moaning Liam’s name every time Liam moves his tongue and mouth. 

“Fuck, Liam, you’re going to make me come.” Liam looks up at Louis through his lashes and his own dick throbs painfully at the need and want in Louis’ eyes. When Louis comes it’s with a cry and he spills bitter and salty in Liam’s mouth and Liam swallows until Louis’ done then kisses up his chest dragging his teeth over Louis’ warm skin before settling back over his mouth. 

Louis kisses him desperately, his hands fumbling over Liam’s stomach and hips before curling around him and stroking him hard and fast, exactly the way Liam wants. He doesn’t even have to tell him anymore, Louis knows when Liam wants it hard and a little rough or quiet and sweet and this, after having Louis under him, his hands in Liam’s hair and all over his skin makes Liam just _want_. It’s barely anytime at all before he’s choking out Louis’ name and coming over Louis’ fist, and Liam fights against leaving his eyes closed and opens them to see Louis watching him, his expression tender and sweet, and for the zillionth time, Liam thinks, maybe— maybe they can have this.

Liam drops his head against Louis’ chest. He kisses his shoulder and pulls Louis closer against his side, tangling their legs together and shifting under the duvet. 

“Stay here tonight?” Louis asks as if it were ever a question. Liam just kisses his cheek and closes his eyes to go to sleep.

*

Liam wakes up in the morning to the sound of Zayn letting himself into the flat and calling out a hello. Louis is already gone but he left Liam a cup of tea on the bedside table with a drawing of a smiley face in purple ink taped to the mug. Liam sips the tea but it’s already gone cold and when he glances at the clock he realizes it’s a lot later than he expected to be getting up. 

He hears Zayn knocking on Liam’s own empty bedroom door, and Liam braces himself for the lecture that’s sure to follow.

“Coming,” Liam calls from Louis’s room and Zayn goes quiet but his footsteps are loud as he clomps across the flat and into the kitchen. By the time Liam’s pulled some clothes on and emerged, Zayn is sipping a cup of tea and frowning at him from the kitchen table. 

“Morning,” Liam says sheepishly. “Sorry, I guess I overslept.”

Zayn grunts a little and stares him down. Liam fiddles with the kettle and sticks some bread in the toaster trying to never once catch Zayn’s eye, but it doesn’t work and he finally gives up and sighs as he flings himself into a chair. “Fine,” Liam says, voice tired and resigned. “Have at it.”

“I just don’t understand,” Zayn says, quiet and disappointed. “Why do you keep doing this to yourself?”

“It’s not like that,” Liam tries to argue but it sounds weak even to his own ears. “It’s not—“

“It _is_ like that, Liam,” Zayn answers. “You say it’s not but it _is_. Louis goes out and does whatever the fuck he wants and you sit at home waiting for him. Then he comes home and nothing’s gone right and you just—” he trails off and Liam knows it’s because he doesn’t want to be crude. Zayn would never intentionally hurt Liam – they both know what Zayn’s trying to say. 

Liam takes a deep breath. He spins his mug around on the table and it sloshes over the side and burns his fingers. “I’m fine with things the way they are, though,” Liam finally says. “Really.”

“No, you’re not,” Zayn answers. He’s quiet until Liam looks up and then he adds, “You’re in love with him, Li, and this is killing you.”

Liam looks away because he can’t let Zayn know he’s right. He stares at the clock on the wall and remembers picking it out with Louis when they first moved into the flat two years ago. It’s red and green with blue numbers and doesn’t match anything either of them own but Louis loved it for some unknown reason and Liam said sure, fine, of course we can get that one. 

He looks around the kitchen and everything in it reminds him of Louis somehow. Every single one of their plates and cups and pictures are things they picked out together, from the blender on the counter Louis stole from Harry’s stepdad’s bungalow, to the gallon of milk they bought at the grocers last weekend, everything Liam owns is somehow tied to Louis. Everything he has or does reminds Liam of the two of them, and knows he’ll take whatever he can - whatever Louis wants to give him - as long as he gets to keep some part of Louis in the end. 

“I’m not what he wants, Zayn,” Liam says finally, and he stands up and puts his mug in the sink. Hopefully Zayn will take the hint and the conversation will be over.

He hears Zayn sigh, though, and say, “Have you asked him?”

“A long time ago, yeah,” Liam says, because he did once, right after they first started whatever this is that they do. Louis had laughed, patted Liam’s cheek and told Liam that he was too good for Louis; that Louis would ruin him and Liam should save himself for someone who was worth it. Liam hadn’t argued with him about it then and that was years ago; it’s too late to start now. “We both decided we’re good like this. It works for us, Zayn, so just—” Liam waves his hands a little. “Can we not talk about this anymore? We’ve got loads of work to do today.”

Zayn watches him with narrowed eyes, but then he exhales and shakes his head. “Yeah, fine,” he says, and Liam is relieved. “I’ve got a ton of drawings for Smiley Snail and Gordon the grasshopper or whatever the hell you’ve come up with now. Let me just get my folder.”

“It’s Charlie the cricket,” Liam calls after Zayn as he leaves the kitchen. “I hope you’ve not drawn pages of grasshoppers because that’s not the same insect at all!” And Zayn laughs and hits Liam in the head and doesn’t mention Louis for the rest of the day. 

*

Niall and Harry come over at half four with packs of lager and more takeaway than Liam has seen in a good long time. 

“Are we celebrating something?” Liam asks, and quirks an eyebrow. Harry nods and grins at him brilliantly and flips the fringe back from his eyes. “Have you come to tell us the news that you’ve finally got a _job_ Harry?” Liam teases. 

Harry looks properly horrified. “Why would I want to do that?” he asks. “I’m on a gap year.”

“If that’s the case you’ve been _gapping_ for about three years now, mate,” Niall shouts from the kitchen. Liam nods but Harry just huffs and ignores them as Zayn rolls his eyes. 

Liam grabs plates and serviettes and puts everything out on the table while Zayn gathers up his illustrations. They’d gotten a lot of work done and Liam feels good about the book he’s got coming and at least two more to follow, which is a load off his chest. He’s about to ask Harry again what it is that they’re even celebrating when a key jiggles in the lock and Louis lets himself in, a tired but happy smile on his face. 

“Louis!” Niall shouts, and bounds across the room to grab Louis in a hug. He picks Louis up off his feet a bit and Louis bats his hands at Niall’s head until he stops. Liam can tell by the tight lines around Louis’ eyes that he’s tired and stressed – probably about seeing the bloke from his date last night at work – and he heads over and slides into Louis’ space the minute Niall puts him down. 

“The guys brought food,” Liam says quietly. Louis nods and drops a kiss to the top of Liam’s head, his fingers settling warm on the nape of Liam’s neck. 

“That’s good.”

“How was your day?” Liam asks.

Louis laughs a little sadly. “It was all right. You weren’t there so it wasn’t great, but it was fine.”

Liam kisses the side of Louis’ head, the corner of his eye. “You all right?” he asks.

Louis sighs and leans into Liam’s chest. Liam strokes his hair and pulls him closer. “I am, yeah,” Louis tells him, and as much as it’s a lie Liam lets him get away with it. 

*

“So skiing should be fun,” Liam says a few days later. He’s pushing the trolley down the aisle in the supermarket while Louis plucks things from the shelves. “We’ve already got eggs,” he says when Louis gestures at the refrigerator case. “I don’t think we need many more.”

Louis stops and pouts. “But what if I want a fry up?” 

“We have enough for a fry up,” Liam says because he’s fairly sure they do. At least fifty percent certain.

“Not a _proper_ fry up, Liam. I want a _proper_ one,” Louis says and he’s almost pouting in the middle of the supermarket on a Saturday afternoon. Liam rolls his eyes and gestures toward the case and hears Louis murmur a quiet, “ _Yes_ ,” when he picks a carton of eggs and puts them in the trolley. 

“You are _actually_ five,” Liam tells him. “I hope you realize that.”

Louis shrugs and keeps walking. “You love it, Li. Stop acting like you don’t,” and it’s been so many years by this point that Liam just gives up. Liam does love Louis and all of his insanely endearing quirks; his life would actually be a lot easier if he didn’t. “Anyway,” Louis continues. “Skiing. That should be right sick. Harry’s step dad’s places are always amazing. I’m sure a ski cabin in the middle of the woods is properly loaded.”

“It should definitely be fun,” Liam says. He takes a box of white rice and some beans from the shelf and puts them neatly in the trolley. 

Louis grabs a loaf of bread from the shelf and tosses it over his shoulder so it bounces inside nearly cracking the eggs and crushing the bag of crisps Louis wheedled Liam into letting him get the minute they walked into the shop but Liam doesn’t flinch, just straightens everything out where Louis has made a mess. It’s what Liam’s good at, after all.

“Oh, hey, look!” Louis says happily. “It’s the apples you like!” He grabs the bag of apples and heaves them over his shoulder and this time they do land on the crisps, popping the corner of the bag and causing Louis to clap a hand over his mouth and giggle when the bag kind of explodes and crisps shoot out all over the inside of the trolley. “Sorry, babe,” Louis says, and smiles as he ruffles Liam’s hair. “Just trying to help.”

Liam just sighs and cleans up the mess that Louis made while trying to do a good thing. He’s kind of used to that by now. 

*

Louis is on another date. 

Which is fine, Liam is _fine_. He hopes that whoever Louis met this time (at the pub, he thinks Louis had said when he was shaving and grinning in the mirror and generally making Liam’s life miserable before he went out) is a decent bloke and that he’ll treat Louis well, because that’s all Liam wants, really. In the end the only thing he wants for Louis is to meet someone who realizes how amazing Louis is; how funny and caring and sensitive. He wants Louis to be happy. Of course, Liam would prefer it if Louis were happy with _him_ but for whatever reason that’s just not in the cards for them, which is also fine. Liam can be Louis’ best friend and flatmate and be there for Louis whenever he needs him. 

He just doesn’t understand why Louis has to be out so _late_ is all.

Liam’s flipping through the channels on the telly and has paused on an old X Factor repeat when the door opens and Louis comes in. Liam glances behind him and is about to tease Louis about how his date went when he notices Louis’ head is bowed and he’s rubbing the back of his neck dully. 

“Y’all right?” Liam asks, and Louis chuckles sadly. 

“Great, yeah. Cheers,” he says, and oh. It’s like that.

Liam flicks the telly off and the room is so still, so quiet all of a sudden that he can hear Louis breathing and his own heart pounding in his chest. He crosses the room and takes Louis’ jumper from his hand and tosses it on the kitchen table. Louis looks up and tries to smile and Liam’s heart breaks because he doesn’t get it; he doesn’t understand how Louis goes out time and time again and never manages to come home happy.

“You want to talk about it?” Liam asks.

Louis shakes his head and rubs a hand over his face. He peeks between his fingers and gives Liam a sad smile. “Would you be cross if I said no, I really don’t?”

“Never,” Liam tells him, because he doesn’t need to know the details, not really. The ending is clear and Liam doesn’t really care much what happened for it to get there. 

He hugs Louis instead, curving his arms and pulling Louis close and Louis just comes. He puts his head on Liam’s shoulder and his hands on Liam’s waist and Liam knows he’s doing it again. He’s being stupid and reckless and careless with his own heart and everything that Zayn said to him comes rushing back, but when it comes down to it, Liam just doesn’t care. He loves Louis and he wants to be with him and if this is all he gets, if this is all Louis can give, Liam will take it. He can’t _not_.

“Come on,” Liam says. He takes Louis hand and slips their fingers together. He takes a step toward his room and Louis stops and shakes his head. 

“We shouldn’t, Li,” he says. His hair is a mess and his eyes are so blue and sad. “We can’t just keep—“

“Do you want to?” Liam asks, because maybe this is about something else entirely. “I mean, if you don’t you can just say—“

“No, Li, of course. God.” Louis squeezes Liam’s fingers and tugs him a little closer. “Of course I do. But—“

“And I want to.” Liam meets Louis’ eyes and tries to make himself look as sure as he wants to feel. He knows he wants Louis, that’s never a question, and if he doesn’t feel like examining all the reasons to why or why they shouldn’t be together then that’s his decision. “That’s all that matters. It’s not hurting anyone if we do.” 

Louis watches him and Liam knows that Louis can see that that’s not exactly true – he knows Liam just as well as Liam knows him – but Liam just tugs his hand harder and after a second Louis follows. 

*

Liam fucks Louis open slowly this time, first with his fingers and then his tongue. He kisses every inch of Louis’ skin, the individual knobs of his spine until Louis is shaking under his hands, his fingers twisting knots into the sheets. 

“Liam,” Louis gasps. He pushes back against Liam’s mouth and Liam licks over him then pulls away to bite the soft skin of his thigh. “Liam, please, I need you to – I need—“

“I know, babe. I’ve got you.”

Liam slides on a condom and slicks himself up and then he’s pushing into the tight heat of Louis’ body and everything around him goes dark then light then fuzzy around the edges. He gives Louis a minute to adjust and then Louis is pushing back and Liam could cry with how good it feels. 

“I want—“ Liam starts, then bites his lip because Louis is shoving back harder, forcing Liam’s dick into him and Liam can’t breathe. “I want this one day,” he gasps. “I want you to—“

“Please, Liam, God, I can’t—“

But Liam doesn’t want to hear it. He doesn’t want to hear Louis’ reasons for why they can’t or why he’s not good enough. He doesn’t want to hear all the logic to why they should just always be friends. All he knows is that he loves Louis and he wants him and he doesn’t understand why it’s something that has to be so hard. He curls his arm around Louis’ chest and pulls him up so he’s against Liam’s lap. He kisses the side of Louis’ throat, his cheek and chin and then he’s licking into Louis mouth as his hand finds Louis dick hard and ready and with a few strokes he’s coming all over them, hot and slick. 

Louis goes so tight when he comes that Liam’s eyes nearly roll back and then he’s holding Louis against his chest, pulling him closer as he comes and biting all along the soft flesh of Louis’ shoulder. 

*

“We need to stop doing this.”

They’re lying together in Liam’s bed, skin sweaty and damp and pressed against each other. Liam’s got his arm around Louis’ shoulder and Louis’ head is on his chest so Liam can feel the shape of the words against his skin when Louis speaks. “You’re my best friend and you deserve more than this, more than me, really, and I just - it’s not fair to anyone, Liam.”

“You’re my best friend,” Liam agrees quietly. “But we could just—we could try it, yeah? You and me, I mean.” He feels Louis tense under him but he just tightens his arm to keep Louis from trying to get up and leave. “I’m serious, Lou, I know you always say, whatever it is that you say, that I could do better—“

“You _can_ ,” Louis argues, but Liam cuts him off. 

“I couldn’t, don’t you get that? Louis, you have to know how I feel about you. Doesn’t that count for anything?” 

Liam is getting frustrated and he can tell Louis knows it. His voice sounds achy and desperate and all he wants to do is rewind until an hour before when he had Louis panting and naked beneath him. 

“You’re ridiculous, Liam Payne,” Louis says, voice carefully light. Liam covers his eyes with his free hand because he knows what Louis is doing; he’s heard him do it loads of times and Liam can’t stop him no matter how much he wants to. 

Liam swallows past the lump in his throat and forces himself to smile. “And why is that?”

“Because,” Louis says quietly. “It just—it wouldn’t work and I won’t mess this up, Liam. I won’t.”

Liam hates that answer. He hates everything about every one of Louis’ reasons, but it seems that no matter what he does or says Louis won’t change his mind and Liam can’t seem to make him. 

“All right,” Liam says, and holds Louis closer and thinks yet again that if this is all he can ever have he’ll try to be happy with it. 

*

It’s a few nights later and they’re all at the pub because Niall is tending bar and Harry is treating them for some unfathomable reason and Zayn threatened Liam that if he didn’t come out he’d go to their flat and drag Liam there by the hair. Liam’s fairly certain Zayn wouldn’t have actually done it, but he wasn’t in the mood to find out otherwise so he waited until Louis was out of the shower and told him to wait a few minutes so Liam could get changed and they would go out together. 

“You’re coming out too?” Louis asked, and the smile on his face would have made Liam’s decision right there. “It’s a right night for a party then. Let me go get my fancy trousers.”

“Don’t get dressed up on my account!” Liam called after him. He second guessed the blue plaid shirt he was holding and wondered if he should wear something different, but then shook his head and told himself he was being ridiculous. It was the _pub_ for crying out loud. If Louis wanted to get dressy then let him, Liam was going to be comfortable. 

He’s definitely glad he’s out though. There’s a small band playing on the stage in the corner of the pub and a few people have been dancing all night long. Niall’s been keeping their corner stocked with full pitchers and pints since they arrived and Louis loves being out with his mates. He and Zayn have been talking about movies and books and comics for ages while Harry and Louis are chatting up a couple of birds at the other side of the bar. 

Liam doesn’t mind; he’s happy and having a fun night and he’s laughing at something Zayn has said, some kind of dig about Liam’s basketball shorts looking like old man’s clothes when Zayn leans in closer, whistling low under his breath. 

“Wow, Li, don’t look now but there’s a right fit bloke on the other side of the bar that’s been eyeing you up for the past fifteen minutes.”

“Really?” Liam instinctively goes to turn and Zayn stomps on his foot to keep him in place. “Hey!” Liam grouses. “That hurt!”

“Well I said don’t look—Oh. Uh oh.” Zayn leans up and brushes Liam’s hair off his forehead. Liam resists the urge to bat his hands away because honestly, what is he even _doing_? “He’s coming,” Zayn hisses. Liam doesn’t even have time to ask who before he feels a tap on his shoulder and a voice he almost recognizes saying, “Liam?” Liam Payne?” and he turns around and oh. _Oh_.

“Tom?” Liam grins wide and happy and leans in when Tom pulls him in for a back slapping hug. “My god, Tom, it’s been _ages_! How have you been?”

“Good, great,” Tom says, and Liam takes a step back and silently thanks Zayn for thinking to fix his hair before Tom walked over. He feels completely out of his element, as if he has no idea what to do with his hands or face. 

“Hi,” Zayn says, stepping forward and tossing Liam a withering look. “Zayn Malik.”

“Tom Daley,” Tom says. Liam feels his face go hot because honestly, how _rude_ is he being. 

“Sorry, sorry. Zayn, Tom and I went to uni together for a few years,” Liam says. 

Tom grins and he’s just as ridiculously gorgeous as he ever was. Liam has to bite the inside of his cheek and look away because he’s afraid he’s staring, wondering how Tom is and what he’s been doing and what he’s doing here tonight. 

“I was in swimming and Liam was on track so we spent a fair amount of time together in the gym,” Tom adds. Zayn nods and grabs an extra pint from the bar. He fills it and hands it to Tom who smiles in thanks. “So are you still running then?” he asks Liam, then he smiles and his cheeks go pink as he says, “Because you look fantastic.” 

Liam feels his face heat and shakes his head a little. “Thanks. You too,” he says and he’s fully aware that they’re kind of flirting but he’s okay with it. Better than okay, actually, and that surprises Liam a little. He’s spent so much time with Louis, his life has been revolved around him and them for so long Liam nearly forgot what it was like to want to talk to someone for himself, just because he wants to. “My life’s fairly boring though, mate, but what about you? What have you been up to?”

Tom starts to answer when suddenly Louis and Harry are there as well, Louis slipping into Liam’s space and curling an arm around his waist as he gives Tom a sharp grin. 

“Tom Daley,” Louis says. His voice is clipped and hard and Liam wants to put his hand over Louis’ mouth or stomp on his foot. Anything to keep him from being so rude. 

Tom grins easily, though, and it makes Liam happy that he’s not going to be pushed around by Louis. “Louis, good to see you,” Tom says. “It’s been a while, yeah?”

“Years at least,” Louis says to him flatly. He turns to Liam and suddenly his smile is much softer and Liam is starting to get cross. Just what on earth is Louis getting at? “So, Li, I was just about to head home, figured I’d come and get you, all right?”

Liam blinks because he’s not stupid, he knows what Louis is doing and it makes him so angry he can barely think straight. “Yeah. Yeah, all right,” he says. He can see Tom shifting awkwardly and he physically steps away from Louis and pulls Tom to the side, smiling when Tom dips his head down to talk quietly in Liam’s ear. 

“Sorry if talking to you made Louis angry. I wasn’t aware that you two were—“

“But we’re not,” Liam says, cutting him off. “We’re flatmates and friends but we’re not – there’s nothing else going on.”

“Really?”

Liam smiles because Tom is just so _fit_ and nice and he looks so happy that Liam said he and Louis weren’t together and all of a sudden Liam wants to know what that means. He’s tired of being the one who’s always home, waiting for things to happen; maybe it’s time Liam finally started making some things happen for himself. 

“Here, give me your mobile,” Liam says. He can feel Louis’ gaze against his back but he shoves the thought out of his mind and takes Tom’s mobile when he hands it to him and adds his name and number into Tom’s contacts. “That’s my number. You should call me and we’ll go out sometime. Get dinner and catch up, all right?”

“Perfect,” Tom says, and grins. “How about tomorrow?”

*

They go out the next night to a small Italian place just down the road from Liam’s flat. Liam gets there ten minutes early and Tom is already there, blushing and smiling and giving Liam a quick kiss on the cheek before the hostess brings them to a tiny table in the back. They sit and slide their chairs close together and when the waitress comes over they get a bottle of wine to share and a few small plates of food to snack on. 

“So, Liam Payne,” Tom says again, voice almost awed. “I can’t believe I ran into you last night.”

“Me neither,” Liam says. His palms are sweaty and he rubs them against the thighs of his jeans. “What have you been up to the past few years?”

Tom fills Liam in on his swimming career and how it didn’t really pan out the way he’d planned. He wound up going back and taking a class to get a degree to teach swimming instead and he’s been doing that on and off for the past few years. Liam tells him how almost the same happened to him; how he worked so hard to get a degree in literature and wound up writing children’s books for a living instead.

“It’s the same with most of my mates, really,” Liam says, taking a sip of his wine. It’s crisp and sweet and goes down easily and when he puts down his glass Tom is already filling it back up. “Well, it’s true for Zayn, at least. He’s got some fancy computer design degree and he’s making illustrations of crickets and snails for the books I write. Niall’s tending bar until he gets something to do with music and Harry—” Liam trails off. “Well, things have worked out for Harry, I guess, since he doesn’t have to actually work for a living.” Tom laughs a bit at that and Liam adds, “And Louis, of course. Lou’s doing fantastically well.”

“Is he,” Tom says dryly. “He seemed a bit—off last night.”

Liam shrugs a bit. Louis is hard to explain to people who don’t know him very well. “He’d just had a long day, I think. He’s got a really important job at an accounting firm and the hours get to him. He’s doing brilliantly though, so.”

Tom shrugs unimpressed. “He seemed a bit put out when I was talking to you. You sure there’s nothing I should be concerned about?”

And Liam could kick himself because honestly, he’s out for the first time in forever and all he’s doing is telling his date how amazing his flatmate is. Liam is the actual worst. 

“Nothing at all,” Liam says. He slides his chair closer to Tom’s and Tom grins and slides his hand over onto Liam’s knee. 

*

When dinner is over Tom walks Liam back to his flat claiming the tube station he needs to catch is just around the corner anyway. Their hands bump and catch as they’re walking, and when they get to the front of Liam’s building Tom crowds into his space and pushes him into a little alcove that’s dark with privacy. He kisses Liam slowly, giving Liam every chance to pull away, but Liam doesn’t. He kisses Tom back and refuses to think how much softer Tom’s lips are when they touch against Liam’s throat. How he misses the scratch of stubble against his cheek and chin and the way Louis twists his fingers so hard in Liam’s hair is almost hurts. He doesn’t think about how everything is different with Tom; softer and gentler and sweeter almost, or how that’s probably a good thing. 

It’s really good, is the thing, and after some particularly delicious snogging Liam almost completely forgets about Louis entirely until Tom murmurs, “God, even back in uni, I wanted this. Always wanted you, Liam.”

And even though Liam smiles and presses kisses to Tom’s cheeks, all he’s thinking is that if there’s anything he’s always wanted, it’s Louis Tomlinson.

“I’ll call you, all right?” Tom says. Liam nods and kisses him one last time before Tom wanders off down the street. Liam’s convinced his face is kiss flushed and pink and he takes a minute to try and straighten out before going into the flat. With any luck Louis will be out and Liam can just slip through into his room and not have to see him until the morning. 

He enters the building and slides his key in the lock and the first thing he notices is that all the lights and the telly are on and Louis is sat on the couch, a line of empty lager bottles in front of him. He closes the door behind him and isn’t sure what to expect – Louis being sad or cross or apathetic. Liam just goes into the kitchen and puts the kettle on and figures he’ll wait in there until Louis comes to find him. 

He doesn’t have to wait long. 

“So,” Louis says coming up from behind him. His voice is sour and a little teasing. “How was your _date_?”

“Lovely,” Liam answers. 

Louis makes a small sound at the back of his throat. “And Tom? How’s our dear friend Tom doing?”

Liam takes a deep breath and curls his fingers around the edge of the counter. He’s not going to be cross with Louis, he’s not. Louis is having some sort of issue with Tom and Liam is going to deal with that like a mature adult. He’s going to _make_ them deal with it like mature adults. “He’s fine,” Liam says, making sure to keep his voice level. “He was asking for you.”

Louis barks out a sharp burst of laughter. “Was he? Well that’s nice.” He scoffs again and Liam turns around to face him, his arms crossed hard over his chest. 

“Do you have a problem with me dating Tom?” Liam asks.

“Oh, so now you’re _dating_?” 

“Maybe,” Liam says, and he’s getting angry now, he can feel it. He flexes his fingers and tries to take deep, measured breaths. “I fancy him quite a bit, actually.” Louis flinches at that; he visibly flinches, and Liam isn’t one to ever push but he’s maybe at his limit with Louis right about now. “Is that a problem, Louis? If I do?”

Louis rolls his eyes and his tone is dismissive as he crosses the kitchen to flip the heat under the kettle off. He grabs two mugs and starts fixing them both tea as if this is a perfectly normal night. As if Liam doesn’t want to bang his head against the counter until Louis stops acting like an arsehole. “It’s not a problem for me,” he says flatly. “I’m not the one who has to date someone as dull as Tom Daley.”

Liam takes a sip of his tea and hates that it’s made perfectly, and it’s like it’s too much at once. Louis giving him a hard time about Tom, the way Liam feels about them both, the sodding _tea_ that Louis never messes up no matter how angry either of them are. Liam puts his mug on the counter and takes a deep breath. 

“He may be dull but at least he won’t just use me and pretend it didn’t happen in the morning,” he says, and everything stops; all the air in the room and sound and the breath in Liam’s chest. Louis flinches as if Liam’s actually struck him, and Liam wants to take it back, wants to grab Louis and crowd him against the counter and tell him he’s sorry and he didn’t mean it but it’s too late. Louis dumps his nearly full cup of tea down the drain and puts the mug in the sink. 

“Touché,” he says quietly. “Two points to Liam.” 

Liam feels awful. “I’m sorry,” he says. “I didn’t – I don’t mean to hurt you, Louis, I just. You can’t have it both ways. I get that you don’t want me, but to not want anyone else to have me either, that’s not fair.” 

Liam had hoped in his head that if he ever got the nerve to say something to Louis that it would help, that it would change things. That he would spill his guts and tell Louis everything he was feeling and it would make everything instantly be okay. That having the words out there would be some kind of magical healing solution.

All it does is make Liam sad, though. Louis won’t look at him, his head hanging down and facing out the doorway into the living room. He goes to leave and Liam wants to stop him, he nearly does with a hand on Louis’ sleeve but Louis shakes him off and Liam lets him go. “Lou, wait, I’m sorry I—“

“No, you’re right,” Louis says quietly. “I’ll see you in the morning.”

And Liam wants to stop him, his heart is aching for it, but in the end he lets Louis walk away like he always does. 

*

Liam puts the last of their bags in the boot of his car and triple checks that he’s got the right address programmed into his GPS. The weather is clear and cold and where they’re headed up north there’s a prediction for snow and Liam is excited. He loves skiing and snowboarding and getting to do things in the outdoors and thinks that a break from his daily routine will be a good thing and a bit of a holiday never hurt anyone. He taps his foot, anxious to get on the road, and calls for Louis one more time. 

“Hurry up, Lou,” he shouts. Louis comes bounding down the steps and stops next to the car to check his pocket for his mobile before giving Liam a tight smile. 

“Sorry, just grabbing a few last things.”

“It’s fine.” Liam catches Louis’ eye and looks away quickly. Things between him and Louis have been overly polite and awkwardly tense since Liam’s date with Tom, as if both of them are sorry but neither of them really are, and no one will take the first step and apologize because they both feel that they were right. It would have possibly been better if they planned on taking the trip up to the cabin separately but they always do things together and it felt strange to Liam to try and plan the rest of the trip without Louis. Louis must have felt the same way because when Liam asked if he wanted to head up Friday night instead of Saturday morning with the rest of the lads Louis immediately said yes.

The roads are fairly empty and Liam is happy they thought to leave after supper, after everyone was home from work for the night. Louis fiddles with the radio for a few minutes and then fusses with his mobile and Liam thinks that if he’s going to have to sit in awkward silence for the next three hours he might actually throw himself bodily from the car window just to liven things up.

“Harry says his stepdad stocked the kitchen and the bar for us in the cabin so we should be set for things we need but to call them before they leave in the morning if we notice anything missing,” Louis says, gesturing to his phone.

“Ok, good,” Liam says.

Louis makes a short noise of agreement and shoves the mobile back in his pocket. “So. Is _Tom_ coming this weekend?”

Liam whips his head around so quickly he nearly strains his neck. “Really, Lou? Are you actually going to start in with this?”

Louis mutters, “Fuck,” and drops his head into the palm of his hand. “Sorry. That was uncalled for.”

Liam turns back and fixes his eyes on the road. “Maybe I should phone him when we get there,” he says evenly. His stomach is churning and he feels like his head is about to explode and he blames it all on Louis. Liam can’t understand why he can’t just let this go, why he’s got to keep pushing. “I’m sure if he rang the lads he could hop in with them tomorrow morning.”

“Yeah, I’m sure,” Louis says thickly. “You should do that when we get there.”

Liam glances at Louis from the corner of his eye but Louis is turned to face out the window, his cheek pressed against the glass. At any other time Liam would reach over and do something – pat Louis’ knee, squeeze his shoulder – but he just doesn’t want to. Louis doesn’t deserve it, not right now at least. Instead Liam keeps his eyes on the road and his hands tight around the steering wheel and drives.

*

The cabin is actually more over the top than Liam had imagined. He opens the front door with the key Harry had given him and Louis walks right into Liam’s back because he’s stopped completely still in the doorway, mouth hanging open in awe. 

“My god,” Louis says, and whistles softly under his breath. “This place makes the bungalow look like a horrible shack.”

“And the bungalow is _massive_ so, yeah. Wow,” Liam adds. 

The main room is wide open with high pitched ceilings and expensive looking glossed wood. There are soft brown leather couches, a gleaming white and marble kitchen and an entertainment area bigger than Liam’s ever seen. Louis is wandering around touching things almost reverently and Liam goes and grabs the last remaining bags from the car and when he gets back Louis has already tossed his jumper on the kitchen table and is staring into the insanely stocked refrigerator with wide eyes. 

“My god, Li, come take a look at all this stuff. We could stay here for a _month_ if we wanted!”

Liam slides in close to Louis’ side and peers into the refrigerator. “Well, Niall is coming so more likely a week,” he says, and Louis laughs quietly. 

Louis shuts the refrigerator and leans his back against the door and Liam realizes how close they’re actually standing. He places his hand close to Louis’ head and their eyes meet. It feels like it’s been days since they’re looked at each other, always catching the other’s glance before awkwardly looking away, and it makes something claw desperate and achy in his gut, standing this close to Louis, being able to smell the last lingering traces of his cologne and see the light stubble shadowing his face. 

Liam wants to kiss him; he’s never wanted anything so badly in his life. He looks down and sees Louis lick his lips and he looks up to find Louis watching him, his eyes focused on Liam’s mouth. Liam sways a little closer and he can feel the heat from Louis’ body now and all he wants to do is bury his head against Louis’ shoulder and lean against him until all the bad feelings go away. 

Naturally, Louis does the exact opposite of what Liam wants.

“So,” Louis says as he looks away and Liam braces himself, because lately, this is what they do. Louis doesn’t disappoint when he follows with, “Is your boyfriend coming for a romantic holiday?”

It takes a split second for Louis’s words to register, but then they do Liam shakes his head and closes his eyes because Louis is his friend, even when he’s being horrible, and Liam has to try and remember that no matter how much it hurts. 

“Maybe I’ll go call him now,” he says, and backs away into the living room.

*

Liam doesn’t call Tom, because of course he’s not going to. He leaves Louis in the kitchen and wanders off to find the bedrooms and then claims the one down at the farthest corner of the upstairs hall. It only takes him a few minutes to unpack and then he takes a quick, hot shower to try and clear his head. This is supposed to be a fun weekend for the five of them when they’re all here. All he and Louis need to do is manage not to get into an argument before everyone else arrives and they’ll be set. 

It makes Liam sad, is all, the fact that he even has to think something like that. It’s him and Louis - _him_ and _Louis_. If there were ever two people who shouldn’t be having a hard time spending time alone together it should be the two of them and the fact that it’s so hard all of a sudden nearly kills him. Liam would do anything to go back to being happy with each other without all of these awful feelings getting in the way. He tries to remember when that was but he can’t, because while he hasn’t always been upset with Louis he’s always had more feelings than he could deal with about him. Trying to remember a time when he didn’t is impossible. 

He dries off and changes into a fresh pair of jogging bottoms and a clean t-shirt and finds Louis in the living room sat on the couch flipping through what looks to be an endless supply of channels on the telly.

“Find anything good?” Liam asks as he sprawls on the opposite side of the couch. 

Louis shakes his head. “Not yet but there must be something, there are like, five hundred channels on this thing.”

Liam nods and kicks his feet out to rest on top of the coffee table. He can hear the wind howling outside the windows, the panes of glass already coated over with a thick white under the fresh fall of snow. Louis passes a bunch of channels of things Liam would watch; old Friends reruns, a replay of last night’s football game.

“Let’s watch this,” Liam says because it’s Man Utd versus West Brom and he and Louis always watch when they play each other. Louis barely flicks him a glance though and keeps flicking until he finds some horrid dress making show and then stops looking. He puts the remote down and settles deeper into the couch and Liam cannot actually _believe_ this is happening. 

“Uhm, Louis? The game?” he says. 

Louis shrugs and doesn’t look away from the telly. “Don’t much feel like it. I think I’d rather watch this.”

It takes Liam a moment to realize that Louis is doing all of this on _purpose_. He’s actually doing things _just_ to be petty and childish, and while Liam would like to be the bigger man about it he can’t because really, a dress making show? 

“Are you _actually_ a jealous twat ?” he snaps. Louis at least has the decency to look fairly guilty but for once Liam doesn’t actually care. He’s tired of Louis’ nonsense. “Giving me a hard time about Tom, purposely trying to wind me up. What the hell is your—“

“Oh _please_ , Liam,” Louis snaps. He rolls his eyes and shakes his head and Liam is just so _angry_ watching him. He’s mad at himself for letting Louis get to him but what’s done is done and now Liam _is_ cross. His hands are shaky and his face is hot and his ears are ringing and when Louis starts to talk again Liam cuts him off. 

“Quiet, Louis, God,” Liam huffs. “I’m so tired of you carrying on all the time about the same _nonsense_ and—“

“ _Nonsense_!” Louis interrupts. “I’d think that you going off and inviting your brand new _boyfriend_ to our lads weekend away would be the _real_ nonsense.”

Liam is so angry he wants to scream. He punches his thighs a little and says, “ _You_ were the one who said I should call Tom! You _insisted_! So if I—“

“Well I didn’t _mean_ it, Liam, _Christ_ ,” Louis spits. Louis’ face is flushed and he’s breathing heavy and Liam’s about to do something, but he’s got no idea what – stand up or throw something or yell a little more – but all of a sudden there’s a sharp crack and the sound of something sizzling and in a split second the room is thrown into complete darkness. 

It’s almost eerie the way things go so completely silent. Everything is off; the telly and the lights and the buzz of the electric. Liam can hear how heavy the storm has picked up outside, the soft thump as snow falls from the roof to the ground in chunks outside the door. He catches Louis’ eye and they both stare at each other for a minute until Louis looks away. 

“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me,” Louis mutters, and it’s so low and unhappy sounding and all of Liam’s anger fades until he’s left with nothing but a bone deep desire to just lie down, not think about anything and sleep for a week. Preferably with Louis somewhere on the other side of the earth. 

“I’m sure it’ll come back on soon,” Liam says. 

They sit awkwardly on the couch for a little while until Liam can’t take it anymore and he gets up and starts poking around in the cabinets in the living room. 

“What are you doing?” Louis asks. 

“Looking for candles,” Liam says.

“Well that’s cozy,” Louis mumbles, and honestly, Liam is tired of this by now. 

“It’s better than just sitting and complaining all night,” he says sharply. 

“Right then,” Louis says, and stands up abruptly. Liam watches him stalk around the room, grabbing his jacket and a pair of gloves but it’s dark and Liam can’t really figure out what Louis is up to until he’s standing in front of the door and tugging a beanie over his head. 

“Wait,” Liam says, because honestly, what is Louis getting up to now? “Where are you going?”

“I’m going outside,” Louis says. He pulls the door open and snow falls from the roof and covers his feet.

“Why?”

“This house is like a mansion,” Louis says curtly. “There’s probably some big generator somewhere that I can fiddle with.”

Liam laughs out loud at that because if there’s one thing Louis isn’t good at it’s anything mechanical. Even if there is a generator out there Liam doubts Louis would locate it with a map and a compass or know what to do with it after it’s been found, but Louis just gives him a withering look and says, “Call Harry and have him ring his step dad and see what we should do about this,” and then he leaves, the slam of the door echoing through the rest of the empty house. 

Liam manages to find a few candles and some matches and gets enough light going to find his bag and pull his phone out. He gets a call through to Harry who naturally doesn’t answer and then the phone beeps and flashes and dies, because of course Liam forgot to charge it when they got to the house. Liam can’t actually believe his life sometimes. 

Only a few minutes pass before the door is opening again, and Liam rushes over because Louis is _covered_ in snow. His entire beanie, jacket, pants, boots – every single part of him is white - and Liam starts helping Louis get things off and hung up on hooks in the foyer.

“My god, are you all right?” Liam asks. 

Louis shivers and nods but his cheeks are red with cold and his lips are blue. “Fine.”

“Did you find anything?” Liam asks but Louis shakes his head and mutters out a curse. 

“It’s bloody awful out there, I could barely walk,” he says, sounding disgusted. “Did you talk to Harry?”

Liam feels his own face heat. “Erm, no. I left him a message but—” he trails off long enough that Louis looks up from where he’s kicking off his boots and watches him. Liam says, “Well, my mobile is dead.”

The way things have been going lately Liam is expecting another argument, or for Louis to poke fun of him or something. What he doesn’t expect is Louis to laugh quietly and shakes his head, looking at Liam sheepishly. “Mine too,” he says, and really, what a pair the two of them are. 

Liam tells Louis to wait in the hall and then he finds Louis’ bag and grabs him a fresh pair of jogging bottoms and socks and a shirt. He disappears when Louis changes in the hall and leaves his wet things on the floor, but Liam can still hear Louis’ teeth chattering and he knows Louis has to be damp down to the bone after wandering around in snow like that before. 

“Come on,” Liam says, and beckons Louis closer. He’d dug out a pile of quilted, thick duvets from the cupboard and set them up on the corner of the couch. Louis hesitates so Liam goes back and curls his fingers around Louis wrist and pulls him after him. “Come _on_ ,” Liam says. 

“Wait, what are you doing?” 

Liam ignores Louis’ questions and just sits down on the couch, pulling Louis down next to him. He stretches out so his legs are half under Louis and pulls Louis into his side, an arm curling over Louis’ chest and shoulders. It takes a few minutes to get the duvets arranged, but as soon as Liam is done the two of them are completely covered from their neck down to their feet in the warmest blankets he could find and he tugs Louis in, his nose pressing into the top of Louis’ head. 

“Feel warmer now?” Liam asks and he can feel Louis shiver in his arms. 

“I – yeah. I’ll be all right,” Louis says quietly. 

“Okay,” Liam says. “Just – just sit here with me for a mo. Warm yourself up, yeah?”

Louis doesn’t say anything, just makes a soft sound of agreement low in his throat and cuddles in even closer, and oh. This is actually going to break Liam’s heart. He stares out the window and watches the snow fall in the night and this right here is all Liam has ever wanted. He and Louis together, in each other’s arms. He just wanted to be with Louis and he can’t begin to figure out how everything went so pear shaped from just that one, simple want. 

Liam hears Louis sigh and he braces himself for Louis to be snappish or rude, but when he speaks his voice is soft. “Why are you doing this?” Louis asks tiredly.

Liam sighs. “Because you’ll get pneumonia if you wander around in wet clothes all night and I haven’t the time to take care of you if you do.” It’s all a lie though; Louis most likely won’t get pneumonia and even if he did you’d have to fight Liam away with a bat to get him to leave Louis’ side. From the way Louis is snickering he knows it, too. 

“No, I mean—all of this. Why are you still being so nice to me?” he asks. 

Liam sighs. “Because, Louis,” he says, and really, it’s time to lay it all out there. For better or worse tonight is Liam’s breaking point. “For some strange reason I love you no matter what.”

Louis is quiet for a second, and when he speaks his voice is thick with guilt. “But I’ve been such a twat lately.” 

“Yes, you have,” Liam says and sighs. “I love you even when you’re a twat, though, so.”

“Well, you shouldn’t.”

“Trust me,” Liam tells him, “I know. It would make my life a lot easier if I didn’t.”

Louis _hmms_ a little at that but Liam tries not to read anything into it. He’s gotten better at ignoring his feelings about Louis over the years and tonight won’t make much of a difference. Louis is curled up in his arms and something about the dark or the quiet or Louis talking to him about things he’s never let them talk about before has Liam feeling brave and stupid, and before he knows it he’s opening his mouth and speaking. 

“I lied before,” Liam says. He feels Louis stiffen and he leans down and kisses the top of Louis’ head leaving his lips there a beat longer than necessary. “About Tom. I didn’t call him before. Inviting him up here would have been— inappropriate. Particularly since I’ve already told him that we shouldn’t see each other anymore.”

“Oh?” Louis asks feigning innocence. “Why’s that?” 

“Lou,” Liam says. He shifts them around a little so Louis is tucked in against Liam’s shoulder and into the corner of the couch and Louis is still shivering a little, his skin is chilly and damp and Liam wants to kiss every patch of skin he can see. He wants to warm Louis up with his hands and body and tongue and he wants to do it again and again, over and over, every day for the rest of their lives. 

He waits until Louis catches his eye and even in the dark of the room Liam can see how blue Louis’ eyes are, and how scared. “Do you really not understand how I feel about you?” Liam says. “How I’ve always felt about you? Louis, you have to know.” Louis is still quiet, though, and it finally hits Liam with sudden clarity why Louis most likely doesn’t want to be with him. He can’t believe he’s never seen it before. 

Liam’s blood feels cold and he shivers. “I mean, unless _you_ don’t want to be with _me_ ,” he says. It’s the only thing that makes sense though. After all these years maybe it’s not because of how Liam feels at all, but more about how Louis _doesn’t_ feel. “I’m sorry,” Liam says as he tries to shift away. “I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable or—“

Louis tightens his arm around Liam’s middle and pulls him closer. 

“No, Liam, that’s not it,” Louis says. “God, how could you even think that? Of course I want— how could anyone not want you?”

Liam is so confused. It doesn’t make any sense. “Then why—?“

“You’re perfect and sweet and funny and so, so lovely and I’ve never had a friend even half as good as you, and, as your friend, I can’t have you wasting your time with a complete arsehole like me,” Louis says sounding frustrated. “I want you to want someone better.”

“That’s not possible,” Liam tells him. He wishes there was at least some light so he could see Louis’ face right now but he’ll just have to trust that Louis will be able to tell how serious Liam is. “You’re not a complete arsehole, at least not all the time, and I want—“

“But I _am_ ,” Louis insists. “And the worst part is that I’m so awful that I can’t even let you be happy with a perfectly nice bloke like Tom even though I should. He’s friendly and lovely and _fit_ and I just _can’t_ be happy for you, because I’m the worst person in the universe. You shouldn’t love me even a little bit, Liam, it’s clear I’m not even a particularly good friend and—“

Liam can’t take it anymore. He shoves them around until he’s sitting sideways and Louis is with his back to the couch with their knees touching. “Bloody hell, Louis, you _are_ the worst person in the universe,” Liam tells him, “and do you know why? Because you won’t ever shut up and just let me have you when that’s all I want! When that’s all I’ve _ever_ wanted and if that’s what you want I don’t know why you’re making everything so difficult!”

Louis sniffs and looks down but he tangles their fingers together and Liam can’t look away. He stares at their hands and wonders how he’ll ever get over this if Louis tells him no. He honestly doesn’t know if he can keep going the way they have been; Liam’s strong but this might be too much even for him. 

“I don’t want to screw this up, Liam.” Louis voice is so quiet Liam can barely hear him. “You’re my best friend and I love you and I just—I’m such a fuckup when it comes to this.”

“Never with me though, Lou,” Liam tells him. “Just. Just give us a chance.”

They’re so quiet Liam can hear everything around them; the snow falling against the windows and the hitch in Louis’ breath. He hears the pounding of his heart in his ears and when Louis looks up Liam can see everything written in his face. 

“This could ruin everything,” Louis tells him, a final warning, but Liam pulls him in and kisses the corner of his eye, and the curve of his jaw.

“I know,” he whispers. “But I think we’ll be fine. I think we’ll be great.”

Louis closes his eyes and takes a deep breath and smiles. “Ok,” he whispers. 

“I’m going to kiss you now,” Liam tells him, because he’s done with talking for now. “For real this time, all right?”

“Yeah, all right,” Louis says. His eyes lock on Liam’s and they’re so clear and blue. “It was always real for me, though,” he says softly. “In case you didn’t know.”

Liam squeezes his eyes shut because he honestly can’t handle this – the actual getting everything he wants. It’s like his birthday and Christmas and every holiday rolled into one and he kisses Louis and tries to tell him everything he hasn’t gotten a chance to say. How he’s never loved anyone as much as he loves Louis and how he doesn’t want to do anything that doesn’t make Louis happy. He wants to spend every day and night with him and learn every single thing he doesn’t already know and then he wants to start over from the beginning and learn them all over again. 

“It’s always been real for me too,” Liam says, and feels Louis smile against his mouth.

*

They stumble around in the dark until they make it up the steps and down the hall to the bedroom Liam had claimed earlier in the night. It takes much longer than it should because they keep stopping to kiss and laugh quietly and start to pull their shirts off but finally they’re there and Liam tugs Louis down after him onto the bed and buries them under a thick pile of duvets. 

“Off, off,” Louis mutters, shoving Liam’s trousers down his hips. Liam smiles and kicks them off and then helps Louis get his off as well and they’re a tangle of arms and legs and smooth skin under the covers. Louis still feels chilled but he’s warming under Liam’s hands and Liam kisses across his chest when Louis pushes up and hovers over him. Louis’ arms are bracketed on either side of Liam’s head and when he leans down and kisses him Liam gasps and moans and clutches at Louis’ shoulders, his fingers digging deep into his skin. 

He wants to mark Louis; wants to see the shadow of his fingerprints and the imprints of his teeth. Louis kisses him and Liam doesn’t understand how it’s possible but it feels different than any other kiss they’ve ever had. Louis is touching him all over, his hands are in Liam’s hair and on his cheeks and angling his head up so he can lick deep into Liam’s mouth. 

“You’re all I ever wanted,” Louis murmurs. His voice is wrecked and Liam shudders and pulls him closer. He’s so hard against Louis’ thigh he’s aching, and he can feel Louis press against him, their dicks moving in a slow glide. “Nobody ever else has even come close.”

“Christ, Louis,” Liam whines. He pushes up and he can feel the blood zinging through his veins. He’s so hard he could cry and Louis’ words aren’t helping any. Liam has no idea how to deal with any of this – it’s all he ever wanted and now that he has it he feels like he’s going to shatter apart in a million pieces - and then Louis is kissing him again, leaning in and curling his arm around Liam’s back to pull him closer.

“Do you want to come like this?” Louis whispers, and Liam shakes his head frantically. 

“No, I. I want—“ Liam can barely think about it, how much he wants Louis inside him. He can hardly speak so instead he hooks one of his legs around the back of Louis’ thigh and pulls him down. Louis’ dick catches and slips over the curve of his arse and they both shudder at the feel of it. 

“Liam, are you sure?” Louis sounds wrecked. When Liam looks at him his eyes are wild and scared and his hands shake where they skate down Liam’s side and Liam gets it. For all they’ve done they’ve never done _this_ and Liam never understood why, but maybe tonight he does. Maybe Louis felt like he couldn’t give Liam enough; that he didn’t deserve him and that’s so insane, so ridiculous that Liam is going to do whatever he can to break down every wall Louis has put up over the years to keep them apart. 

“I’m sure,” Liam tells him. “I want you so much, Lou, please.”

Louis closes his eyes for a second, and then says, “God, yeah, of course.” He scrambles off the bed and goes digging into Liam’s bag for lube and a condom and then he’s climbing back up and settling Louis’ leg on his shoulder, his fingers slick and wet and trembling a little when they press inside. 

Liam’s not done this a lot, so it takes a little while for Louis to get him ready. He peppers Liam’s chest and belly with kisses with every push of his fingers and swallows Liam’s moans as he kisses him. It’s so good, so tight and hot and slick and all Liam can hear are the words Louis is whispering against his skin. “ _God, Liam, you’re amazing_ ,” and “ _I’ve wanted you for so long it scares me_.”

Liam bats Louis’ hand away and fumbles the condom into Louis’ hand. “Please, Lou,” Liam says. “Do it now.” Louis blinks and shakes the fringe back from his eyes and leans in to kiss Liam so tenderly he’s afraid his heart might beat straight out of his chest. 

Their fingers bump as Liam helps Louis with the condom and then he’s lying back and holding his breath as Louis nudges against him. “Li, I don’t—I don’t know if I can, I just—“

“You can, Louis, I want you to.” Liam bears down a little and the head of Louis’ dick pushes inside him and they both gasp and tremble. 

Louis’ eyes are screwed shut and he looks so worried and nervous that Liam reaches up and brushes the hair off his forehead. He traces his fingers over Louis cheek and jaw and Louis tilts his head and kisses Liam’s palm and slides in a little more, and Liam wants him so desperately it hurts. He wants him and he needs him and he can finally have him and it’s that thought alone that has him tugging Louis down more, his heel pressing against the small of Louis’ back. 

Liam remembers to breathe when Louis is buried deep inside him. He rolls his hips a little and Louis gasps and swears and bends down to kiss Liam’s mouth. 

“You all right?” Louis whispers.

“I am, yeah,” Liam says, “Just, please, I need you to—“

“Yeah, yeah, I know,” Louis says and starts to move. 

It’s awkward and clumsy at the start, but after a minute they fall into a rhythm and it’s the same as it always is between them only better. Liam knows exactly how hard and fast Louis likes it. He knows Louis likes to have his back scratched and his hair tugged a little and Liam does the best he can while Louis rocks deeper and deeper into him, the sweat on their skin catching and dragging in patches. For the first time, though, Liam doesn’t try and hide how he’s feeling when Louis looks at him. He lets every single thing he wants to say show on his face and he can tell Louis feels the same when he touches Liam and kisses his face and cheek and the corner of his mouth. 

“God, this is so good. We need to do this all the time,” Liam breathes as Louis pushes into him even harder. “Can we – oh, _fuck_ , Louis, I’m going to come.”

Louis startles when Liam curses, and then he giggles a little breathlessly. “Do it,” he says, “Me too, I can’t—“

Liam comes in a rush that feels like it starts from the bottoms of his feet and travels all the way up until he’s shaking and clutching Louis shoulders. He spills between them with a cry and then Louis is slamming into him harder, his hips snapping against Liam’s arse again and again until Liam feels him stop and then the steady pulse of his orgasm rippling through them both. 

They lie there for a moment until Louis pulls out and rolls over slowly, tying off the condom and tossing it toward the rubbish bin. Liam cleans himself with his t-shirt then hands it to Louis who does the same before curling up under Liam’s arm, his face buried in Liam’s neck.

The room is silent, save for the soft sound of their breathing and the snow coating the windows outside. Liam kisses the top of Louis’ head and leaves his lips there wondering if this is actually it, if this is really happening. 

“I don’t ever want you to think I didn’t want you,” Louis says quietly almost reading Liam’s mind. Liam pulls him closer and shushes him but Louis shakes his head and keeps talking. “I can’t have you thinking that because that was never it. I just. I’ve loved you for so long I was afraid of messing it up. I still am, honestly.”

Liam closes his eyes and breathes out. “I love you too, Lou,” he says, “I always have. And anyway, you don’t have to worry because I have a foolproof plan,” Liam tells him, his lips curving into a smile. Louis turns his head to look at him and Liam kisses his forehead. 

“And what’s your big plan, Payne?” Louis asks with a grin. 

“I’m not going to let us mess it up,” Liam says simply. It sounds so basic when he says it that way, but in actuality, it is. He knows Louis doesn’t believe him yet, but Liam plans on spending every day showing Louis just how easy it really is. “It’s as simple as that.”

Louis watches him for a moment, and then he rolls his eyes a little and laughs but it’s bright and happy like he thinks Liam is being funny, or that he actually believes him. It’s the nicest sound Liam’s ever heard. “Oh, is that right?” Louis asks, but he’s grinning when he says it. “You’re just— not going to let us mess it up.”

“That’s right,” Liam says, trying to be serious. “I’ve no intention of us screwing this up; it’s not on the agenda. So, sorry to say but you’re stuck with me. I hope you’re all right with that.”

Louis slides their legs together and curls in, kissing the dip of Liam’s throat. “I’m more than all right with that,” Louis says happily before closing his eyes and going to sleep.

*

They wake in the morning to the sound of the front door banging open and three pairs of footsteps clomping around in the downstairs hall.

“Guys!” Niall yells. “All the bloody lights are on down here. You all right?”

Liam rolls over as Louis pushes his face against Liam’s chest and groans. “Oh god. I forgot they were coming up first thing this morning.”

“Yeah,” Liam says and chuckles. “And I’m pretty sure it’s just a matter of time before they come and find us.”

“Nooooo,” Louis moans. He pretends to weep against Liam’s chest and Liam laughs quietly and runs his fingers through Louis’ hair. He only stops when Louis kisses his chest just over the steady thump of his heart and then tilts his head up so Liam can properly kiss him. “Morning,” Louis says sleepily.

Liam smiles down and rubs his thumb over Louis’ bottom lip. “Morning to you too,” he says softly.

“Yeah,” Louis says and smiles. “I could definitely get used to this.”

“Me too,” Liam whispers, but the rest of the words get caught in his throat because he wants to tell Louis how happy he is, or how the idea of waking up with Louis every day is possibly the best thing he’s ever heard but he can’t. He wants to explain how happy Louis has made him already just by being willing to try for the two of them, and that Liam will do whatever he can to make Louis know how much he loves him for as long as Louis lets him. 

He wants to tell Louis all of that plus a million more things but he knows now isn’t the time because the footsteps outside the room get louder and the laughter is getting closer. They can hear Harry and Niall and Zayn banging and yelling all the way down the hall, until the door to the room they’re in bursts open and the three of them are standing there staring at Liam and Louis lying in bed together. 

“Oh my god!” Harry shouts and covers his eyes. 

“We thought you’d gotten eaten by bears!” Niall complains and points at the both of them. 

“Thank god, fucking _finally_ ,” Zayn says, and pumps his fists in the air. 

Liam bursts out laughing and he tucks his head down against Louis’ where he’s laughing just as hard. 

“Wait, you knew about this?” Liam hears Harry ask. 

“Well yeah,” Zayn says. 

“I didn’t know anything,” Niall mutters, and it’s cute, really, but—

“Uhm, lads?” Louis says, and they finally all stop talking. 

“Yeah, mate?” Harry asks. 

They all stay there blinking at each other for a moment before something finally clicks and Zayn exclaims, “Oh! Right! The door!” He shoos Harry and Niall away even as they’re complaining, then smiles wickedly at Liam and waggles his eyebrows as he pulls the door shut. “Just, uhm. Let us know when you’re done. Free! I meant free! Not done with, erm, whatever it is that you’re going to be doing.”

“ _LIKE SEX_!” Liam hears Harry shout, and then there’s a loud _oof!_ and the door is shutting and Liam and Louis make it about three seconds before they laugh so hard they can barely see straight. 

“You know, we are here to actually _ski_ this weekend,” Liam says but he can tell it’s a futile attempt as Louis climbs over him, his blue eyes sparkling and wicked. 

“Let the three of them ski,” Louis says bending his head to playfully bite at Liam’s nipple. “I’ve got loads of other things I want to try instead.”

“Loads of things, hmm?” Liam says. He shivers a little as Louis drags his teeth over Liam’s chest, sucking and biting lightly at his skin. “Because, I mean, we only have two days.”

“Nah,” Louis tells him. “We’ve got a lot more time than that.”

Liam’s breath catches and he pulls Louis up to kiss his mouth, quick and fierce. “You’re right. We’ve got lots of time,” he says against Louis’ lips, and they both smile because they know it’s true.

 

-END-


End file.
